The Daily Antics of a Hopeless Meanderer: 12/01/2005

Worry

listless sleep barely
awake and anxious
hands shake idle
thinking of you

The absence beyond the shadow

Sometimes I truly wonder if I miss missing something. My entire existence thus far has been spent toiling in studies, masquerading behind the mask of a student, all to find my perfect career, and subsequently myself. Thinking that those two things are synonymous with one another was a monumental mistake it seems. I can see very clearly the paved stepping stones that led up to this misjudgment though.

When I was little, my only and entire aspiration was to become a doctor, to fulfill the dream that through life’s circumstances, my mother could not. And so ultimately, I believed that by attaining this goal, I would find myself beyond all realms of happiness, for was I not living out two dreams rather than just one?

As I grew older and only modestly wiser, I encountered my epiphany in small increments. I slowly learned that this life must be led by the reigns of self-realism, to establish one’s own moral code, mantra, and thus destiny. For there is seemingly little point in helping others without true belief in the cause. And this is how I pursued the ensuing future.

But there is still a lesson to be learned it appears; some infinitesimal component still absent. I’ve worked hard to ensure that my career pathway has cleared and free-flowing, and am quietly beginning to embark on this individual journey. This I could not be more ecstatic about. However, there’s something that I haven’t packed along for this voyage, and it’s causing no little distress and unease. And so the underlying hum of the wind, the constant drone of quietness, all whisper in hushed tones to me, what is it?

Music

Rainer Maria Wilke

Take me by the hand;
it's so easy for you, Angel,
for you are the road
even while being immobile.

You see, I'm scared no one
here will look for me again;
I couldn't make use of
whatever was given,

so they abandoned me.
At first the solitude
charmed me like a prelude,
but so much music wounded me.

What's your silliest gift?

*Okay, so this picture has almost nothing to do with the post, but anyone who knows me at all will understand my fixation with dogs in costume. *

It’s yet another day closer to this luminescent, irradiating sentimental holiday that we all know and love. Of course, only a diminutive component of this season is the “gift-giving”, although it’s probably the most publicized and revered. Although I’m not deemphasizing that “warm fuzzy feeling” of finding the perfect gift for someone, or vice versa; getting exactly what you had wished for fervently for 364 days this year, I just thought it’d be almost equally as fun to recollect those uproarious gifts that evoked such a comical relief that we will forever remember them.

I have two favorite memories. The funniest gift ever received was from none other than my lovely sister, who in the spirit of being young, broke, and imaginative, shoddily wrapped up in layers of years old, wrinkled foil-tinted gift wrap, a used vial of lip gloss. But to give credit where credit is due, it was mint flavored, my favorite.

Years later, during my second year away from home I received via mail, a good old fashioned brown paper package with a two pound block of cheese enclosed, with the simple message “hey, what’s funnier than cheese?” Accurate and concise, indeed.

Upon waking up this morning and hearing that it was -17 degrees outside with windchill, I promptly had to squelch the urge to crawl back into the fetal position and hibernate for the next three months.

I stumbled upon this website today that allows you to send an e-mail to yourself on a specific day in the future. Great premise, I thought to myself. It’s a way to succinctly review current situations, evaluate or reevaluate circumstances, or simply just make a statement or prediction for what may come.

Being the overwhelmingly unexciting person that I am, the date I selected is one year from today, I wrote a quick synopsis of the things and people I’m thankful for, and a little bit about questions still resounding in my mind, hoping that they’ll be resolved at this later date.

As I’m a great proponent of never intentionally bringing disappointment to myself or others, I didn’t make a prediction (I’m a glass “half” kind of gal). As the proverbial saying goes, whatever will be will be. But who knows, there’s no stipulation against sending yourself multiple e-mails…

Postcard courtesy of Post Secret

I swear, I thought no one else did this as well. But I've come to find that the "secrets" shared on this site are not as uncommon as I'd previously assumed.

For those of us who tune into NBC every Thursday evening to watch The Apprentice, I thought this was a pretty relevant article (apparently one of the candidates on the show, Rebecca, has a Chicago tie; her mom is a Chicago Tribune staff writer).

The final countdown is set at 10 days until Christmas, or 9 days 'til the night before, and where oh where has my Christmas spirit gone? The song titled Where are you Christmas ? from the Grinch soundtrack has been playing in my head for days, almost as an insult to the absence of sentiment. As I tallied off the possible reasons for not experiencing enough, if any holiday cheer, I asked myself, is there not enough snow? Had I not done all my Christmas shopping? Was I merely a bah-humbug this year? The only thing semi-resembling a definitive conclusion was that it dawned on me that this is my first winter without a winter break from school. The gap between the life of a student living in an ephemeral, brightly idealistic world and the real world has finally closed, once and forever. But why must childhood naïveté and imagination depart as well?

What type of sneezer are you?

Apparently, according to my "Sneeze Profile", I'm a mix between:

The nice sneezer:

No showy histrionics or noise levels; would rather hold it back so as not to offend. Wood says: "You are warm and friendly and like a relaxed pace. The most important thing in your life is your relationship with others. You will work hard to avoid conflict and get along. You are loyal, calm and dependable. People say you are a good listener, though you sometimes feel interrupted. You are helpful, supportive and nurturing."

and,

The be-right sneezer:

A proper, dignified and moderate achoo. Most likely to cover mouth with a tissue or hankie.Wood says: "You are careful and accurate. A deep thinker, you always consider things before you speak. You are detailed and precise and catch mistakes that others miss. You have great insights and opinions, but you don't always get a chance to express them. You like to read books that make you think. You like to work by yourself and relax at home because you enjoy solitude. You take your time, play by the rules and wish others would do the same."

What are you??

Bridges

Out of pure Catholicism induced guilt as well as intrinsic harboring of that much dreaded sentiment, I’m updating my blog, finally. It’s been 24 days, 10 hours, and a few dashes of minutes thrown into the simmering pot, since my move from St. Louis to Des Plaines.

New and opportunistic employment status brings me back to this blue state that I’ve spent 11/12ths of my life in and will forever keep fond memories of, no matter what life course I happen to diverge upon in the future. For the time being I’ve spent a lot of time doing seemingly “boring” family things like accompanying my parents on their errands, finally being close enough in locality to hang out with my sister frequently, and catching up with an old friend here and there.

The big news for Cook County as well as anyone who has ever worked on public health initiatives is the new smoking ban just implemented by city ordinance as of yesterday. Kudos to Chicago for saddling up with the American Cancer Society and therefore looking out for the best interests of people rather than commercial interests; i.e. restaurant enterprises (even though they have a “phase in” period that won’t fully take effect until 2008). It’s gargantuan step in the right direction, and for that I’m proud to be one of the newest residents of this county; that is, until I next hear of a sadistic crime in occurrence on the never-ending slurry of news events that are of that sort.

Though I dearly miss my co-workers turned friends in St. Louis, I’m quickly finding that I might inexplicably fit into the social schema of this office as well. I’d like to attribute that to my chameleon-like abilities, but it’s really more so that I’ve just happened upon a very warm and caring group of people. There are so many things that I’ll of course covet dearly that could only be traced back to what I’ve recently left, but there’s no way to know if I won’t have those again sometime soon. For now, the bridge from past to present is me, and I believe that this sturdy frame will hold just fine.

The Daily Antics of a Hopeless Meanderer

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Worry

The absence beyond the shadow

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Music

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

What's your silliest gift?

Monday, December 19, 2005

Friday, December 16, 2005

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

What type of sneezer are you?

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Bridges

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