The Daily Antics of a Hopeless Meanderer

This would be the point in the movie of life when "All By Myself" plays in the background

I'm finally on the last leg of the day that would never end, as so many Wednesdays are. But hey, it's my own choice to work fourteen hour days, now isn't it? But then again, there is the validation that comes from juggling a full time work schedule, studying, and a full course load; however, most of the time the physical overpowers the mental and I'm honestly just exhausted through and through. Today would be one of those occassions.
But as I was talking to Michelle last night, or rather, early this morning, I realized that there are many aspects of my life I really wouldn't give up, and there are certainly moments I would choose not to repeat. She talked to me in the tone of a desperately lonely college freshman, a familiar sound I know all too well. As a survivor of many bouts of feeling isolated and not able to identify with anyone or anything in my near surroundings, I should have been able to provide better advice. All I could really say was to stick it out, even just for the short term, and that college isn't necessarily about finding "other people"; rather, it's more about finding yourself- likes, dislikes, interests, passions, even. There isn't a moment where the universe suddenly freezes and you realize that you're happy- it's definitely a progression. And I probably wouldn't even venture as far as using the term "happy".
I felt incredibly bad that I couldn't provide her with the magic solution that would solve all these incomprehensible feelings that she has. It didn't seem like enough to tell her that I went through the exact same thing, as I'm sure many young people do, and maybe I haven't grown out of it entirely just yet. She couldn't even see me nodding in agreement with her, or my eyes brimming with tears when she described how lonely she is, or how the only thing she wants to do is look at old pictures. Instead, I encouraged her to do what feels right, which I retrospectively see now as stupid on my part. Urgh- why can't I just give sound, wonderful, Hallmark card advice? I could blame it on the fact that I was jogged out of sleep, or that I didn't have time to prepare, but it wasn't any of those things. It's more that I feel more comfortable dealing with things that have a very concrete, derived solution- hence the career in science. But I can't help wishing that I had a better grasp on some useful traits. Nor pseudomonas, or spirochetes, or even little bacilli will ever be able to voice their affection for me. But oh how I wish they could.

posted by Sheila @ 9/01/2004 07:41:00 PM